Because I haven’t posted a long post in a while – let me. Go ahead, sit back. Grab your coffee or popcorn, whichever you may sit fit and enjoy.
First let me say THANK YOU because if you’re reading this all the way through you likely have been a person that has offered me words of encouragement, wisdom, positivity, TRUTH, and/or strength in some form or another. You maybe have sent me a text, a phone call, given me a hug, or even just some random small message that said ‘keep your head up, you’re doing great.’ Let me tell you, not a ONE of those messages goes unloved, unnoticed, unappreciated. They. Are. All. The. Best.
It’s a Saturday night . . . my night has consisted of hanging curtains, stripping the beds – it will commence with bill paying and checkbook balancing. The day started by me laying in bed until after 10AM – lounging and watching way too much recorded reality TV, slowly doing laundry, cleaning rooms, and a gym visit. I tell you this because these are all things I need to do. That a mom needs to do. A homeowner needs to do. They are not all things I want to do. I want to be spending time with my kids, it is the Saturday before Christmas after all.
So then let me say this . . .I am doing okay. I am doing good. Oh trust and believe I have bad days, but not all because of the loss my life has had this year. Sometimes I have bad days because I don’t put my car in park and it rolls into a friends garage . . . but most of the time my bad days are because I allow my head to win. I allow the thoughts to take over – the loss of a partner, a confident, a buddy, a companion; the loss of family and friends, the loss of my kids half of the time, the loss of what ‘I thought my life would like like.’ THAT is why I have bad days most of the time.
THAT is what I have to explain to my [almost] 10 year old in regards to the new way we’ll spend Christmas holidays and frankly all holidays from here on out – what we THOUGHT our lives would be, what we’ve always known them to be, what we’re comfortable with is not what we have now. We have to let go of what we ‘think it should be like’ and instead make a new. And let’s be real – it’s about WHO you’re with and the memories you make – not the date on the calendar you celebrate.
I have good days too – I have days where I laugh with friends, wake up with killer eyebrows, kick butt and be the most trigger happy but also the high scorer in laser tag, help people and be a part of something better than me, get on the scale and see the hard work, dedication and discipline is paying off, #down51. So yes, there are good days. Honestly – the good days outnumber the bad now.
Now this whole ‘making a new’ that I sell to my 10 year old, well this is easier said than done – it takes one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time; HOWEVER, with each day, each foot and each step I know I will be okay, I know I am getting better, and I know that I’m coming out of this better than I was before, truer to myself than I have EVER been and all of that is something to be thankful for!