When my divorce first started going down I was told “you will thank me for this one day;” to which I think I replied something like: yeah right you idiot, do not tell me what to think or what I will be thankful for. 😂 It has now been just over 5 months and I can openly say, I am thankful.
I have not and do not have the intention to ever say anything negative about him to, in front of, or even around the kids. Never. What has happened in their lives is the same thing that has happened in mine; however, we all will recover from it differently. We will all remember it differently. We will all be affected by it differently. We will all look back and have feelings towards him and the situation differently, and they are in charge of their own opinions of said situation. And at the end of the day, despite how I might have hurt, how he might have done me, he is their father, he is a good dad, and he wants to be in their lives. Some kids do not have this. Mine, despite the different houses, have a mom and dad that love them more than anything. For that I am thankful. Appreciative.
I am thankful for the life we had together. Really. I do not think I want to ever [completely] trash talk the person with whom I spent 15 years, created a life, a home, and two beautiful children with; even though he decided on a whim to up and leave 🤷🏼♀️, I just do not think [now] that I have it in me. Of course it hurt. Of course I probably said some pretty bad things to my girlfriends. No, not probably, I for sure did this but I was hurting. I still hurt, let’s be honest here . . . it’s not even been 6 months; HOWEVER, I have learned a lot and I hurt in different ways for different things. For that, I am thankful.
While at first I was the victim and this happened TO me, I have now began to realize this happened FOR me. We get comfortable in life (relationships, work, friendships, parenting, etc.), we become content and often times stuck in a routine – things get boring then. I get bored easily. For real. I used to anyway. I used to not do things on a whim. I used to have to consult ALL. of. the. calendars. before making a decision. Now, after losing what I thought was my forever life and even more recently my job I have more of a . . . I don’t know, let’s say, f— it type of mindset 😊 (sorry mom). I now realize all of the planning and organizing and things do not have to be done by me, and more importantly that they do not have to be done my way. I have said it before, I will say it again (the first step is admitting it, right?) I have OCD. I like things orderly, nice, planned, and organized. I like things that way. But if they aren’t that way I should not get mad or annoyed or shut down, instead I have learned I should roll with it a bit more. Live on the edge a bit one would say. I mean shoot, I am recently divorced with half the income running the same household and then boom become unemployed 🤦🏼♀️ THAT. IS. WINGING. IT! I have experienced so many life changes in 5 months, more than some experience in their entire lives. But now, I am in a place where I can be thankful for all it. Appreciative. Ready. I am thankful for the lessons learned. Thankful for the understanding that this did not happen to me. I had a hand in it also. If I was not being my best self for me, then how in the heck could I be my best self for my husband or my children. Another lesson learned, the hard way, but most lessons that teach you anything impactful do not come easily. Even after all the “bad” that has happened I do not believe it is bad for me. I think it looks bad. It sure as shit sounds bad. But for me, it’s a fresh start and I would never, due to being comfortable and a bit OCD, take a leap of faith to do/figure out/explore what I really want out of life without being pushed out the door a bit. For that, I am thankful.
So yes, if you’re reading this, you were right. I do thank you. For me, losing what I thought was my forever life, helped me find myself. The best version of myself that has been hiding under years of being a mom and wife and not near enough time being Heather. I do not know that I would have ever found it in my previous marriage. Is that my fault? Not entirely. His? No, not entirely (it takes two to tango you know). But I now know who I do not want to be anymore, and for that I am thankful.
Thank you, next . . .