I have such an urge to write but likely don’t need to be doing so in this moment….actually, that makes it more fun, so I’m totally doing it. 🤷🏼♀️
There’s an old saying about 2 steps forward and 4 steps back or something along those lines, and I feel it to my core tonight. I told a girlfriend “I feel like I’m doing so good and then throat punch 🥊” and I’m knocked back 4 steps or 36 or too damn many to count.
I started the process to have my name changed last week. I didn’t think I wanted to go back to my maiden name, but ONLY because I wanted the same name as my girls….but why? Honestly, I think that 4 months ago it was a way for me to hold on to what I thought my life should be like. He ripped everything I knew away but he couldn’t take the name (even though it’s his and I hate the idea of sharing it with him if he doesn’t want me having it)! But as I take those 2 steps forward every now and then I think about starting fresh and I don’t want to be that name, for MY sake. My girls will get married one day, they’ll lose their name (as I did) and what happens if I never get married again?! Then I’m stuck with that name, alone, nooo. 😱 So even though it’s a stupid pain in the ass and the attorney was going to charge me more for the process than I paid for her to represent me in the first place, I’m doing it. BUT, I got resourceful and used my phone a friend and I’m a week in to the ‘6-8 week turnaround time’ to get my certified judgment. Hey, it’s better than spending an arm and a leg, IMO (I feel too old to type that, like I have to go back and re-read to make sure it even is being used in the proper context 😂). Most of the people I know nowadays don’t even know my maiden name, they know me as HB or Heather Berrrryyyyyy Heather Berry, go ahead, sing it, I know you wanna. 😜 So get ready folks, HNM is about to be back….in 6-8 weeks.
So back to those steps forward and backwards….up above, that name change stuff is a step forward. I want to be ME, Heather, again and start fresh, have a clean slate….but I have to let go of the past before I can do that. I have to stop overthinking every. little. thing. Before I can move forward. I have to understand that no one is ever going to apologize for the lies or the hurt because they were out for themselves only. So I DO realize that, I accept it, I forgive for that because I need to for myself, and then I get throat punched again and I go stumbling back like I just started this damn process all over again.
There’s a difference in being alone and like BEING alone. I’m TOTALLY good being alone. Like I don’t NEED anyone to complete me, I love the silence, I can do everything that I need done, I pay my bills, I don’t NEED that type alone to be filled….but the being alone in regards to companionship, yeah that, that I want. But do I want it because I’m jealous that he has it or do I really want it? Do I want it because it’ll help me fill the void that he left or do I really want it? Do I want it because he left for someone else and I need to feel like I’m worthy or do I really want it? That is the question (or questions really but the saying doesn’t go that way)…..who has the answers?! No. One. I just gotta keep on praying and trusting this process. It’s. EXHAUSTING. Mentally, it’s a mind f***, for real, those steps back and forth jack with my head so bad.
And let’s not even START on the dating pool or the way it happens now or the psychos that are out there. I mean some people got some cojones (said like kahonas but I had to google to get real spelling 🤦🏼♀️) and just slide up in the DM talking all kinds of ways. Nope. Not happening. Not the way to do it dude or dudette, whatever you are, no. thank. you. And if you’re all up in my DM while also in 12 others….yup. That’s not the way either, not going to work. Not interested. And to think some day I might want to introduce my children to someone, ha, right?! Nope. They don’t need that type of crap in their lives. They don’t need to deal with or worry about “mommy’s friend” or be exposed to them, and frankly if I wouldn’t introduce you to my kids, I probably don’t need to be wasting my time. Ugh. Life. More steps back.
Tomorrow though I’m going to wake up and take steps forward. I will NOT let the negative funk I’m in tonight ruin my tomorrow. I have the power to choose and I am going to choose to be okay tomorrow. Hurt still, I am sure, but okay and moving forward.