It’s summer. It’s hot. I LOVE the heat. I like to sweat (particularly when there is water involved). A pool, a tan, tan lines, these are a few of my favorite things. This season of summer has been far different than any in the past. I take my kids to the pool. I go to the pool without my kids (it’s super fun to hit the slide and then layout and dry off and do it all again). We are enjoying all that summer is.
It’s a new season on so many levels for me. My youngest celebrated her 4th birthday – her first birthday since the “Big D.” Planning birthdays were always my thing, but I never executed them alone. I didn’t have a birthday for the oldest this year, so this was my first post divorce party and it was amazing. We had so many friends and family from her school and from our lives that showed up to show their love for my girl and it was perfect. Flawless. And frankly it would have been a lot more stressful if my sister wasn’t in town to help. Parties are no easy thing – even with just a hose, sprinkler, and park shelter as the extent – it still takes work. So thankful for awesome friends and family. So blessed.
Dating. This season is hard. I thought it would be so easy – I have taken months to find myself, to evaluate what worked and didn’t work for me in the past, I’ve made personal adjustments and really thought that I would rock this dating shit. Well, those thoughts were lies. It’s hard. I know what I want, but getting it seems impossible. And then voicing thoughts, concerns, opinions is still so hard for me. I asked a girlfriend yesterday if it was just us or if all women were this way. And by ‘this way’ I mean were they all scared to voice a concern because of the fear of the response? Her response hit me – “maybe they are, or maybe we’ve been ‘taught’ to fear,” ouch – that hit. But is it true?! Are you all crazy loons like me that fear that bringing up a concern or thought will cause an argument, you’ll somehow be blamed for feeling the way you do, and then made to believe it’s you that is the problem?! No, that can’t be the case – I have been ‘taught’ that this is what it is – and it’s scary as hell to trust that someone else isn’t going to have that same reaction. Whoever said dating after divorce was fun did not know me. I love hard, I give my all, so much so that I’m willing to give every part of myself to make my partner happy. I do that in all things – I give my all and learning to put me first, even in a relationship is hard.
Finding the balance has proven difficult. Remaining true to who I have found in the last year is SO crucial to me. I REFUSE to lose who I have become, but that person that is so independent and knows she needs no one has a really hard time letting anyone in because who wants to hurt again?! Ahhhh, so hard. So stupid. I’ll die a crazy cat lady. It’s cool. 😉
Seasons bring change. Change is good. Change is welcome, BUT change is hard. Every day – still choosing that joy.